Healthy Empowered Mama

Not all those who wander...are lost. 

I want to share something with you today that is on my heart. 

I am not too sure why I feel like sharing this aside from the fact, it might help one person, or one mom. And to me, that would be worth it. 

My son was born on Feb. 9, 2013. 

The day my son was born, was a day that has forever changed the course of my life. I mean, I would assume, most parents feel that way. 

The moment my son was brought up from NICU and I finally got to look at his perfect little toes, his beautiful little face, his long eye lashes...I finally got a glimpse of the beautiful little person that I had carried and felt kicking in my belly for so many months. It all became so real...it hit me like a ton of bricks. This little human, was from now on, the most important thing in my life. It was no longer about me. I could no longer pretend like I was happy. I could no longer just get by. I had someone who was going to depend on me, to be THE BEST ME, and it was a very eye opening emotion. 

I vowed to myself in that moment that I would do anything and everything in my power to be the best mommy I could be. And I hold true to this everyday. I have always been a pretty positive person, but I have overcome A LOT in my life. 

Up until the point I had my son, looking back now...I was very lost in my life. I had lost my dad at 12 and developed extreme anxiety. I wound up with an eating disorder because of it. My self worth and self esteem plummeted. I got pulled out of my freshman year of high school to go to rehab for it, I was taken off my Synchronize Swim team for a period of time. I struggled for years with it and was finally able to over come it, because I knew that if I didn't take care of my body, I could never be an athlete. 

 Just when I started to feel like I was figuring myself out, at the age of 16, my mom decided it was best for us to move from MA to FL to be near her family. I started junior year of high school in a place that was already complete culture shock and I knew no one. I had a strange accent, and felt even more out of place. And then bam....right before senior year, I had a horrific accident that also, changed the course of life forever. I spent the first half of my senior year in a wheel chair, wearing pajamas and overcoming a bone infection after the initial accident. I don't want to get into the details of that right now, for it is a long story on its own.  But the mental scars that it left were, more anxiety, depression and PTSD and just feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin. The physical scars were obvious. The chronic pain was inevitable, and may never be something I escape. The scars were huge, ragged, covering over 2 feet of my body, and I was also missing a large "chunk" of my body where my pelvis was severed. I felt deformed.

I lived in doctors offices, they all wanted to shove medication down my throat. No one wanted to help me get to the bottom of how to fix my pain. I felt hopeless. I started focusing on how I could heal my body, in a healthy way...hence my passion for nutrition grew. 

But, I began the struggle with becoming even more self conscious.  I remember looking in the mirror after I would shower and crying about how my body looked. I remember thinking I was never good enough. People would tell me I was beautiful and I was strong, and it didn't matter because I DIDN'T believe it. 

With every surgery I had the scars got worse. But with every surgery, I have had 12, I found a new sense of strength that I didn't know I had. Looking back, I developed this strength because in my eyes I had no choice. It was either, get through it, or give up. And I have NEVER been a quitter. To outsiders, I seemed so strong. But on the inside, I was just the opposite. 

I did not believe in myself. I didn't believe I was beautiful. I had no understanding of my worth. 

Hence, not knowing my self worth, I seeked it from unhealthy places. I ended up in a string of unhealthy relationships, friendships that did more damage than good, I had periods where I got into drinking and going out, trying to fill a void. I had constant ups and downs. (And thank god for the true friends that have stuck with me through my rocky journey.) I had lost any sense of goals and dreams for what I wanted out of my life. 

I was trying to please everyone else, and was not being true to myself. I was living without thinking of how my choices were going to affect my future. I had quite simply, give up on me. But I knew deep down, this was NOT who I was meant to be! It wasn't until I had Declan, that my eyes were made aware that all my choices, had lead me to where I was. That the only one who could change it, was ME. 

This lead to me to a very unhealthy relationship, and an unexpected pregnancy, and I moved across country, away from all I knew to try and make it work. Many people don't know, but Declan was not planned. (I was actually, never supposed to be able to have children.) And when he was 5 months old, I chose to leave his father because the situation I was in was so unhealthy. I packed our belongings and moved across country from Philly to FL, alone. It was not an easy choice, nor is it an easy road. But I would not change one choice that I have made...

Because it has lead me exactly to where I am supposed to be.

I fell into Beachbody Coaching because I was looking for a way to get healthy, be a good example for my son, and to love myself back to life. And in doing that, I stumbled upon my purpose :) 

He is my miracle. He saved me. He has truly opened my eyes to see what life is really all about. HE is the reason I work so hard to be better everyday. He is the reason I will never give up. He has taught me unconditional love. He has given me purpose. He has showed me that I had so many strengths, I never knew I had. 

I new that I was destined to share my story, I knew all I had gone through was for a much greater purpose. I knew I had survived my accident, FOR A REASON. I knew that one day I would be in a place I could finally start to be open about my story in hopes that it could inspire someone else to make a change in their life. Or give them hope that no matter WHAT life hands you, or not matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction... YOU CAN CHANGE IT! 

The woman you see today...a strong, single mother, a Beachbody coach who is so passionate and fulfilled by her job, a women who is very independent and seemingly has all the self confidence in the world...is not the woman I once was. And I still struggle. But that's ok. But I have finally found my calling, I have finally found my platform to be able to openly share my journey. And I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of my past, I am not ashamed of my mistakes, I am not apologetic for WHO I AM. And most importantly, I believe in myself. And I am REAL.

If you have ever wondered why I am so passionate about helping others and helping them to be their healthiest happiest selves, this is why. Because I know what it is like to struggle, in SO many different arenas.

The truth is, you are SO much stronger than you know. You truly have the ability within you to overcome any situation life throws at you! You deserve to be happy, to be fulfilled, to live YOUR BEST LIFE! Believe in yourself. Love yourself. Know your worth. 

This is just the beginning of me sharing my journey with you, and I have finally created my blog to do so. I could not be more thankful for where I am and the opportunity I have been given. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today, and I have a LOT more work to do.

I want to share my life openly, share my passion and love for life, share everything I have learned along the way, and share my love of health and fitness with you and my passion for cooking with you! I hope that you will follow along my journey with me!